Seeking Prefection

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I stared at blank pages and screens all around me, and suddenly I was overwhelmed. There were writing deadlines to be met, blogs to be updated, and social media posts set up. If I lingered in those thoughts much longer, my chest would tighten, and my skin would start to crawl and itch. 

Stress can be an ugly beast and expectations in my life have been uglier. I have been trying to be perfect since I was a child.

I can remember my second-grade class when I didn’t receive an A on everything I did I was devastated. I always tried to be as little trouble as possible. I remember my parents had a conference with my teacher. I was scared I was in trouble, but my teacher told my parents to stop being so hard on me. My parents were in shock, laughed, and said they had done so such thing. Truth be told they hadn’t done anything. I didn’t really understand how it all started.

Yes, I am the middle child. My older brother was a handful, and my younger was just a toddler at the time. 

After many years of being teased and called a cry baby, by classmates and so-called friends it changed me. The thoughts of perfection continued to eat away at me. I thought I had to be perfect to be wanted and happy.

When I failed to be the best at everything it was easy for the lies to get into my head. The lies went something like…

you are not good enough, 

you are never enough, 

no one loves you, you're a failure,

you are worthless. 

So, to be clear no one had actually spoken these words to me, but they were there all the same, and those thoughts took over my mind. By the time I was graduating high school I didn’t see one of my accomplishments as good enough. Even though I was president of this or that, got a scholarship from here and there it didn’t matter. I presented myself as happy to everyone the best way I could by making them laugh while I was crying on the inside. There were less than a handful of people I showed my true feelings to.

I had buried these thoughts and feelings throughout my life deep within my mind, and of course, they always pop up when I didn’t want them to. It wasn’t until I had my child I could let go of some of the perfections because I was in survival mode.

It was also then I got a lot of time with my own thoughts again. I realized I was not saying these things and others were not telling them to me so why would I accept them as true. I began to fill my mind and space with positive thoughts. It helped me retrain my thought process, but ultimately my mind did not become renewed until I knew who Jesus really was.

It was after I was introduced adequately to Him I could really begin to see who I had been all along. I was a child of the living God. I was a daughter of the King of Kings. My Father in heaven loved me in my mess more than anyone ever could. Jesus wanted to be my best friend forever. The more I read the Bible, the more my thoughts consistently began to alter. It was not the constant drilling of verses like I had affirmations previously, but it was deeper and quicken my spirit.  I even find myself at times starting to hear those ugly lies again. I know how it is when I am not reading my Bible consistently. The more I read the Bible, the faster my mind can root out the lies trying to get in.

So can I ask, whether you are a believer or not I challenge you to read your Bible daily. You will change whether you planned on it or not.